Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
worst night to have a conscience
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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