I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize