You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
