How'd it feel making her break her religion?
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Randomize
