I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
