can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
