Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
