She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Randomize
