watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Randomize
