i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
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