I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
