I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize