I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
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