I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
