I think I won the penis lottery.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
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