I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Randomize
