think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
