Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Randomize
