Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Randomize
