I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
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