Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
