i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
tell me about the eggs
Randomize