Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
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