Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Randomize
