Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Randomize
