What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
i'm going through the NYU 2014 group looking for future drunken hookups. too slutty?
it glows. i had to have it.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Randomize
