If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Randomize
