i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
