Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
