Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
