Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Randomize
