you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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