I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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