I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
