I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
My vagina just recognized that song.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Randomize
