U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Randomize
