I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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