What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Randomize
