I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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