I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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