Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Randomize
