apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
