Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Randomize
