I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize
