i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize