what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
Sober January is a disaster.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
