I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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