If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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