today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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