He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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