Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
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