Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
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