I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
