her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
