I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
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