your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Randomize
