Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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