I'm jealous of your bromance
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize